Repressed Emotions

May 11, 2009

I’ve noticed myself doing all sorts of things lately to cover up my anxiety. Smoking, over-eating, watching videos online, going out for walks. It feels like madness even more so lately because I don’t have friends which are available to hang out with. The situation has exiled me to this apartment with a very limited budget.

I identify my feeling first as ‘boredom’, but really it is un-ease, anxiety. I feel it in my arms and chest. It’s like this nervous energy being pent up inside of me. I feel a craving in my stomach, even though I have already ate.

I need to hold onto this money I have, because I don’t have a job. I need to save it for tolls and parking so that when I go for a job interview I don’t get hit with fines and fees. I cannot help to feel anxious and then justify spending money on something that will possibly make me content with my life in the moment. I hate this cycle. I just keep spending a little bit by little bit, then I see how much I’ve spent and I beat myself up over it. This doesn’t help. Still after all the searching, and hunting for something to do, I have a lingering anxiety, plus the fear that I won’t have that money available when I need it.

Spiritualists say that I’m in my head too much, so much energy in my head. It makes sense. I almost feel tired of thinking so much. I constantly think about what to do next, what to do next, what will make me happy, oh this, oh that…It’s madness!!

I should be able to just sit here, meditate, or something. I don’t find myself doing that. I find myself continuing this cycle of trying to find something to satisfy me, and all I do is just run away from this anxiety. It’s pointless. I’ll never win…I’ll just keep running all my life or learn to get rid of this unease…this dis-ease. The shitty thing is that I know that it’s possible to experience the anxiety, to dig into it and find out what emotions are responsible for it. But I just resist doing it. I have a room mate that is here right now, so I can’t be loud expressing anger or sadness. But when he’s gone I still end up doing other things.

I think I’m going to start writing about my past…like a sort of discursive auto-biography. I’ll start out chronologically, but I’m not going to confine it to that. It’s going to be everything that is associated with any fear based emotion. Childhood to the present.

Written by Jason Miller who lives and works in Denver, CO developing websites and focusing on personal development. He is also on Twitter

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