Shit My Mind Says

May 04, 2010

I’m so overweight, my body is so ugly. I’ll likely never have the energy to get out of this rut.
It sounds like a nice idea to get a better job working with PHP and Linux again, or something cutting edge like Ruby on Rails, but I would probably get overwhelmed and anxious, and not perform as expected. Start ups are probably really cut throat.
I’m not going to be able to save up for a deposit and get a studio apartment by myself. Shit always comes up and takes my money…traffic citation tickets, taxes, tag renewal, and my own needs to spend money doing various things to feel normal…to not feel poor…to not feel lonely.
I wish I could live with less expenses, not need so many things which seem to add up and leave me behind financially.
I wish I wasn’t so unattractive, and felt confident with myself. I wish I wasn’t so desperate that I think about any girl I come into contact with as a candidate for a relationship with. It hurts to feel so attracted to some people and to remind yourself that it will never be.
I hope my fucking car doesn’t get towed because some asshole is tired of seeing it on the side of the street and somehow reports it as abandoned or something, and then I’m not notified until many days later and the tow and storage fees are more than the car is worth at this point…and I still have $3000 I owe with the bank, plus $2500 in normal credit debt on top of that. I should have never listened to marshall and went to sessions with Cherie. I should have focused on getting established here, instead of living on the edge. I’m still hopping from subletted room to subletted room, still have no consistent living situation. I don’t even need to blame marshall. I’m pissed at myself for being so weak that I let him influence me so much. I should be stronger, and tell him to fuck off. I don’t care how much fast food I would have ate, or how much of anything else I would have wasted money on. I would have started to pay it off, and I wouldn’t have been so tight that I didn’t pay my employer back after they fronted me money for health insurance and it got rejected…and now they wonder why I spent the money on something else…as if I lied to them about needing the money fronted. As if I’m not honest. I went to the fucking billing lady and asked her about it, she said it was fine to pay it off over time. No one advised against it.
I really wonder if it’s worth trying to clean up this life. If I killed myself would I just come back anew, as a baby again, and go through a good 13 years or so of unobstructed existence, without this dull lifeless …filter… pattern…ego…whatever is in the way right now. Whatever makes me the way I am now as opposed to how I was when I was 17? At least then I had zeal…I had something I wanted to do, and I was motivated to do it. Now it seems that everything is worthless, everything will not help me, nothing will work. I will read, talk about, and do shit, but it’s always a million miles away.
I need a haircut and I need some new pants. I’ve been wearing the same pair of black pants every day since that hole wore in the two pairs of jeans that I have. But I can’t buy new pants because that might make me short $20 - $30, which I will end up needing before next paycheck for bus/BART fees, food, or something else necessary. And I made an agreement with my bosses to show them a receipt for car repairs I got done with the $1000 loan they gave me, but I can’t afford that right now. I’ve been told not to go back to them by Tina, and give the check back, because that’s just a accounting nightmare, but I want to be straight up with them…tell them that the $150 a paycheck they are taking out is cutting into my expenses at the moment as I try to save up for a deposit. Hell I don’t even have that. I had $200 and I bought this bike…which was supposed to save $4 a day in bus expenses, but now the fucking derailer or something is broken, and I don’t want to ride the bike…so that’s a possible $200 down the drain. Perhaps I should cash the $1000, use it as a deposit temporarily…tell my bosses that I’m saving up the remainder for the car repairs…make sure I have the remainder available in my account should they ask. I don’t know…I’m so ambivalent. This is so stressful. I just want to file bankruptcy…over what? $3000 + $2500…thats not enough. Damnit. But it would take me so long to pay that off…how much could I do until then? It’s not like i’m going to buy a house in the next 8 years. I’d spend money on Diamond Heart shit or Cherie before that. I’d spend it on retreats with Jon Bernie.
Speaking of Jon Bernie…I decided against putting more money into spiritual work, because I needed something that would take more of my time…something that I get more of for less money…so I don’t go crazy from being lonely…cut off from people. I decided to do the band thing with Joe…then he died…but then I continued on. I bought the bass rig. Surely I’m broke because of that as well…but that’s over. It’s only like $54 a month to rent the studio. No more investing in equipment for a while now. I’ve got a big speaker, head, bass, cables, extra strings…picks..everything is set. And that’s going well. Aaah I keep thinking that I want to quit, and then things get better with the band. We’re doing well now. I still think I should quit after this next show. Maybe I’ll do more shows if people think we’re good. If I quit, I’ll get more involved with the spiritual stuff…even if it’s just me at home reading books…no thats bullshit. I need something to fill the gaps still.
If I quit it’s going to cost me money to rent a car and pick up that shit from the studio. Damn. Plus Joe’s guitars are there and other equipment. I’ll end up forfeiting the drum set…let Mel keep it. Oh well, I think I should sell the bass guitar and give Joe’s dad the money. I’ve got a laptop, and I’ll take the yellow strat guitar for my own use. That’s fair.
With this whole housing thing…me being worried of not having enough for a deposit to get out, or having to settle for some other shitty situation for a couple months…not having a kitchen suited for cooking for myself…feeling like ‘fuck it’ and going out to eat, and then hating myself more for being broke. I won’t be able to stay with marshall for a couple weeks if needed. I don’t have a car to get up and down the hill, and I’m sure as hell not able to ride a bike uphill like that everyday.
I wish I had the energy and the motivation to enjoy working on a project after work…and not have it seem like… more work. Anything I even think of doing and I end up not wanting to do it because it’s just more energy channelled into a likely failure…when it could have been channeled into overtime at work. Speaking of work, this fucking project to migrate tickets to the new system has just dropped. I no longer really give a shit. I feel blocked. I hit a block, another, and another, and now I just don’t have it in me.
I can hardly focus at work. I do some work, but then I feel anxious and end up reading news articles. This is all I need, another HostDime. Another situation where I’m not happy, and I feel constrained instead of encouraged to do great things. Hell, it feels like I don’t have respect from my manager. He’s putting me into a quality assurance job instead of into an actual development situation…like I’m a baby. I’ve been happy about it, and I’m glad he’s not overwhelming me, but now that I think of it…it’s kind of a vote of no confidence. As if I don’t have the background or intelligence to do solid quality coding just because I don’t have a degree under my belt.
I’ve thought about how it would be if I was to just quit my job and try to live off of student loans. Look at school like it’s my fulltime job. I’m over 25 now, I’m independent. This would be a perfect time for me to finally go to school and get an education. I don’t care how much it puts me in debt. I’ll get out of debt slowly after I get out of school and get a quality job. I expect that I’d get rejected or not enough though, especially now that the government is so over it’s head in it’s own fiscal issues. They sucked and sucked out of everyone, and now I still can’t get what I’m owed. I remember having it explained to me at Fullsail that unless you’re over 25 and living alone, you can’t claim yourself independent on the FASFA. My dad told me that he wouldn’t look poor enough…he just shut down his trucking business and on the books it looked like he made money. My mom didn’t make enough to help me either. I gave up on the idea of school. My dreams were crushed cry
I want a cigarette. The way I feel right now, I’m overwhelmed. A cigarette is justified right now. I’ll just have one. No…I can’t do that…I’ll end up smoking again for quite a while, and I’ll feel like an idiot. I’ll be even more unhealthy than I am now, and the healthiness is closer to being without pain…I don’t want to give that up. I don’t feel like a million bucks, but at least I’m not dehydrated and coughing…not damning myself for continuing that nasty habit…but still I want one. I want that feeling of being free…doing what I want…hell…I want to get high, drunk, and smoke cigarettes…I want to buzz and not feel this. Hell, thats too much…I don’t need that much right now… but being high and having a cigarette…that would do the trick. yep. That would be fine. A part of me is saying that I’d have the strength I have now to quit again, I’ll set a boundary…but I know that’s not true. That’s bullshit. What does it matter though? It’s not like me not smoking is helping me get a leap closer to landing a girlfriend. Sure being a smoker closes the book on many possibilities, but those aren’t really possibilities. I’d rather be fat, unattractive, and comfortable with myself and a cigarette than to restrain myself and get nothing worthy in return.
I want something to eat, I can do that. I’ll eat instead of smoking cigarettes.
I wish my band with Sonya could have been awesome like Trent Reznor’s collaboration with his wife. How nice it would be to have an attractive girlfriend that likes to make music with you.