I remember working, being driven, by the desire for actual accomplishment. It is true that this was about me wanting to have a real world sense of value, not one that was just recognized by others, but also one held by me.
I remember feeling that in the moment, that was part of me, during the process. I remember my plans to perfect the machine that was the shared hosting wing of the company. I remember envisioning how well our team could be trained to help the customers we supported, how trouble free the billing system that I was replacing would be, and how much we would be able to start actually advertising because we could finally have that capacity.
I worked hard for 4 years towards this goal, only to have the order I had brought, the carefully engineered mechanism disregarded, used to fulfill some other ungrounded agenda - the company owners vanity fulfilled by expanding the company to other countries of which this billing system was not designed to handle.
What I really mean is that I was hurt. I trusted the people I worked for, the ones I was helping, to respect me, to reward me, allowing me to achieve that goal, but it was a trap. I didn’t know if the owner purposefully planned it, but it was a trap. I was nothing more than a digital janitor, cleaning up after his messes, and there he was about to make another mess.
My heart and soul was given, and now I don’t know if I can do that again. Not without it in writing.. and that’s just about compensation for my value offered. I don’t know if I can get the respect I’m wanting. How do you get that in writing? How can I trust? How can I shine again if I cannot trust that it will be recognized? Why do I need to be recognized? How much of it is mere ego that thirsts for it, and how much of it is the true thirst of my soul?
I just want people I can truly trust. So my heart can be open. I want to be seen and valued, not coddled. This isn’t ego. This isn’t imposture syndrome, but those that I can’t trust make me feel that way. It’s about them, not others like me.
I want a work family. I want people I choose, I trust, to feel real.