I just went to the kitchen to get something to drink. The thought occured, “I don’t have something rich to drink, and I can’t allow myself to spend money getting something like that.” I saw the resulting emotion to be a kind of anxious sadness. I groaned, which is kind of like a frustrated cry. I actually felt the crying that was part of it. I noticed how in my total crip high stupor, I kind of felt like a little boy crying because he can’t have something to cover up his anxiety. “I want it!!”

This seems to be a good thing to remember for me. When I want something, thats a chance to whine about it. I don’t do that. I stop myself. Who whines about shit by themselves? I don’t! Maybe it’s time that I start to whine about shit.

Anyway, a child needs to learn to not have what he/she wants. And they should express the anxiety or whatever the emotion is. Sometimes it’s a crying expression, other times it might be angry. Even though you may be 27 years old, you still need to consider this. If you didn’t express it when you were a child, it is still repressed within you, and you need to let it out. If you do this, you will feel better and feel more like your forgot self…or perhaps something else…who knows? It’s all just an experiment. I know my life is nothing anyway, so be willing to play with “crazy”. Play with it, but still retain your mind, your logic, your thinking, your scientific basis.

If you see something that exists as the result of an experiment, it still is valid. You still experienced something, or noticed something, which you can account for as your subjective experience. It is still valid. It can still be studied. There is nothing unscientific about exploring reality as it is interpretted by a mans soul, as opposed by only through his senses. Men have certain emotional responses internally. We seek to aleviate the suffering caused by whatever malady people find themselves in. If understanding the dynamic of this ‘energetic discharge’ leads to less experienced suffering, it can be possibly deemed as fact by the people which support a strictly logical scientific point of view of reality.

Anyway, I know what works for me. It’s my life. I don’t need to put so much focus into avoiding being misinterpretted. Whatever I write, I can always revise, and hold as my updated point of view on the subject matter of these posts. Why do I feel the need to defend myself? Oh…I want to leave my legacy. I want to have made something that matters in my lifetime. Something that people find of great use in their lives for at least 3 generations at least. Now I see the anxiety caused by the though of this. I see this is what I think of myself. “What is there for us to do? What other than impress ourselves? What is there for us to do other than leave our fading marks?”. These are lyrics from a very early song of mine. I recorded it at my fathers house in Groveland, FL in 1999. Even at the age of seventeen I recognized the futility of our individual accomplishments, which some (such as myself) hold as…the only conscious meaning of life I can truly mention at the moment.

What I want to be? My ego ideal. I want to be Michael J. Fox’s character Marty McFly from Back to the Future. I want to be a …OMG? Is Marty an Enneagram of Personality Type Six? I don’t know for sure. What I idealized about him was that he was heartfelt and authentic. I just got distracted, god do I want school cafeteria style pizza for nostalgias sake.

cafeteria pizza

WHAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Anyway, when I was a kid I often used a red tshirt on myself. It could have been any color, but I chose red…with blue jeans. I sense that I idealized Marty McFly wearing the same type of outfit.

back to the future nikes

This later gets refined into a more “timeless” style which involves red, black, shades of grey, and the necessary black and white. A secondary thing which is allowed is of course dull green Courier font which emulates old monochrome computer monitor ASCII output.

Ok, I’ll have to continue this type of rant later. I’m going to go get what I want…or something. ARG!!